• Two feet tall, forty feet wide
• Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
• It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers.
• While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.
• Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.
• Keeps heckling your lame top ten list
• It's very small and says "air freshener" on it.
• Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.
• Some guy named Mujibur puts a crappy Statue of Liberty on top of it.

and the number one sign that you bought a bad Christmas tree is...

1) Constantly bragging about its "trunk size!"